All student names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.September 17, 1995
The NBC logo flashed by, the screen became dark, and then there it was: the glittering stage of the 1996 Miss America Pageant. With the 75th Anniversary insignia proudly displayed in the corner of the screen, a montage of photos and film clips from Miss Americas past smiled and strutted across.
This was no ordinary Miss America contest, however. Tonight would be the big trial: should there or should there not be the swimsuit competition. It was all up to the American public to call the 1-900 number and make the decision that could possibly alter the course of the pageant's illustrious history. But first there were more important things to do, like introduce the opening entertainment.
"Johnny Mathis. His name is synonymous with romance and elegance," beamed host Kathie Lee Gifford in her first dress of the evening.
"His name is synonymous with cheese," countered Diana, slouched on the sofa in front of the dorm TV. "You can change the channel."
Click. The Yankees-Orioles game in the rain. "All right, Johnny Mathis is probably done. You can turn back now." Click.
"The Miss America Pageant is the single largest provider of women's scholarships," reminded host Regis Philbin with his dapper smile before the parade of contestants dancing to "music through the decades" appeared.
"They're trying to encompass too much now," said Diana. "This was originally a beauty pageant." "But she's supposed to be smart," replied Ed. "Miss America's supposed to be the perfect American woman."
Tina walked in just in time to catch a group of ten contestants and the token male dancers boogie to the "Saturday Night Fever"/tribute-to-the-70s portion of the dance. "How could you ever have any self-respect again if you were one of those guys?" she asked.
"They're professional male dancers who can't get into Janet Jackson videos," said Diana wryly. Johnny Mathis reappeared to sing a medley of "Lion King" songs to finish the number.
Commercial break. Click. Back to the Orioles. Click. The pageant again. This time sound bites from past Miss Americas in attendance for this year's festivities. "I think it's every girl's dream to be Miss America."
"It's never been mine," said Diana without hesitation. Mandy, having just sat down in nearby chair with a box of Chinese food, groaned in agreement.
After about an hour of speeches, commercial breaks, and dance numbers, it was time for the parade of state winners. Kathie Lee Gifford was now wearing dress number two.
"I wonder why it started that a woman hosting a show has to change her dress three times. Men just wear the same outfit," mused Diana.
Miss Alabama headed the train of unnaturally white grins, tanned skin and heavily styled hairdos.
"I think the individual states didn't do their jobs well this year," said Ed, as Alaska through Georgia flew by without much comment, aside from an occasional "ughh," from the rest of those gathered.
"See. That's what happens when you try to bring talent to a beauty pageant," said Diana.
More sparkling dresses and similar faces. A few wows from the dorm audience when a contestant said she attended Harvard University.
"Miss New Jersey is a man!" exclaimed Mandy as the contestant's decidedly unfeminine features and body-builder's frame filled the screen. Many squeals of agreement from the couches.
With Miss Wyoming heading off stage, it was time for another commercial break and the dorm jury to convene.
"There're slim pickin's this year," laughed Kit from her armchair.
Ed sighed. "Last year they actually had attractive women." "I wasn't impressed," said Diana. "75% of them weren't even attractive. They've got to decide what they want: beauty or intelligence."
"Well, if you're really beautiful, then you'd be a model or something. You wouldn't be doing this pageant," remarked Kit.
Click. The Orioles game was rained out. Click. Back to NBC, but there were still commercials. This one for Nice 'n Easy. The scene: a woman's wedding day. "Even if your marriage doesn't last, your hair color will."
"Isn't that kind of sad?" asked one of the dorm viewers. Back to the pageant and more old footage. A pretty contestant from the 50s was asked a question about what kind of man she wanted to marry. "I need a man who will be firm with me," she cooed demurely. Groans from the couches.
After being quickly announced, the finalists exhibited their talents. Regis Philbin talked via satellite to the guy from Omaha who was covering the results of the telephone poll of whether or not there should be the swimsuit competition. Amid lab coat-clad operators, the man officially revealed that the American public had voted almost four to one in favor of keeping the object of feminist controversy.
The dorm audience was unfazed. "It's a beauty pageant," said Kit. "It's sexist at its core. It should stay as cheesy and horrible as always."
With this year's new element of suspense out of the way, all that was left was the crowning of Miss America. The selection of the final five, the interviews and the contestants' social platforms sped by.
With five minutes remaining before midnight, the moment of truth had arrived. Johnny Mathis was poised to sing the crowning song, and the deaf woman who won last year had the tiara and hair pins all ready.
After having to pick through all the "woofers," as Kit called them, Diana had decided the only one she really liked was Miss Oregon. As Miss California and the other two hid their disappointment behind smiles and bouquets of roses, Miss Oregon and Miss Oklahoma were left center stage waiting for the final envelope.
"Wow. This might be the first time I'm ever right," said Diana.
Some people in the dorm audience edged closer to the TV screen.
"First Runner-Up is Miss Oregon," proclaimed Regis Philbin, as Miss Oklahoma beat her arms in the air and began to sob, not unlike so many of her predecessors.
"I'm so disappointed," said Diana immediately. Everyone turned to her and left the winner's runway walk to their backs. "Miss Oregon was robbed."
The dorm viewers stood up and started to amble towards the door. "Why do I watch these things?" asked Kit dully. "Every year I say the same thing, but I still watch it." Diana and Ed shrugged and wandered off to check their e-mail. Kit went up to her room and quickly forgot about what she had just seen. Mandy and Tina had already left.
*** Find out more about Holly Schneider
